If you follow my blethers, you may remember that we have been on a journey to downsize and re-evaluate our lives and almost 2 years ago now, purchased a small house in need of some love and renovation.

If you are new to my blethers – welcome, I invite you to refresh your cup of tea, find a comfy spot and explore my musings, poems and reflections.
 
On the hill behind us a few months ago, flames jumped and spread like the wildfire that they were, through the dry bracken leaving a charred landscape in their path. Don't panic - our wonderful local volunteer fire brigade ensured that it didn’t spread too far, however, the smell of burning lingered for ages and charred gorse and branches still echo those flames today.
 
Fire is an amazing element:-
It can be scary when it runs wild potentially bringing destruction;
It brings warmth to our bones and spirit when we are cold or down heartened;
And always, it brings transformation.
 
The whole area is now a carpet of blue and the smell is amazing – it brings joy to everyone who walks through….echoing our landscape we too have now transformed our house into our home – we brought destruction and now it is cosy and warm and supports our ongoing transformation and journey.

As some of you may know, I am privileged to be working alongside very experienced Dru yoga tutors this year – assisting and supporting the current yoga students on their teacher training journey.
 
When I volunteered for this I expected to be attending in person, in Stirling once a month – helping make the tea, assisting students with postures and questions and generally supporting in a background role – oh and it gave me an excuse to go and stay with my dear friend and her family.
 
Of course, this year, nothing has gone to plan and Dru has been amazing and taken the teacher training online -  the students have all been fantastic and welcomed this with open arms and have been brilliant in going with the flow. Their dedication and determination is inspirational.

They are currently gathering photos of their meditation shawls to make a collaborative patchwork piece of art - it reminds me of my meditation shawl I purchased from a stall in London en route to a yoga retreat I was heading to in Sussex - my treat to myself to reconnect and set the scene prior to beginning my journey as a Dru teacher. Now my sister is crocheting me a set of shawls to correspond with the colours of the chakras - part of our energetic body. There's something lovely about the symbolism and emotional attachment we give to something like this - I guess the items embody the intention and the energy and vibration of the sacred space we create within ourselves as we practice our yoga and meditation.

​​And so, I find I am only making tea for myself and with the huge privilege of witnessing and feeding back on ‘homework – reflective learning sheets and assignments; I’ve been assigned to support a senior tutor in helping with study groups and have now ventured into a tiny bit of teaching online. Quite a journey in itself and the latest weekend found Joe (the senior tutor I’m working with) and myself giving the anatomy and physiology presentation for the course - on the circulatory system – a subject close to my heart (see what I did there) as I shared my experience from several years ago when I ignored my body and landed myself in hospital receiving a transfusion of 3 units of blood and being extremely grateful for blood donors and the NHS.
 
After the presentation, I realised that this had happened when I was about 7 months into my yoga teacher training – about the same place they were just before the last weekend of training. One of the things I didn’t mention was that one reason I was ignoring my health was that my husband was already in hospital, having been blue lighted in with chest pain – turned out he had pericarditis (inflammation of the protective sac around the heart).
 
We both really had a crisis of the heart going on and afterwards, we took this opportunity as a gift to reassess our lives – we committed to downsizing, to working less and playing / travelling more. This was over 5 years ago and is still very much a work in progress – we have released so much - it has been a peeling away of layers, of my aspirational self, of who I thought I was, of physical stuff - and yet here we are, still journeying along our path – it’s not one we can rush.

​This is our journey but there are points that I find myself reflecting on that I think are common when we commit to a practise, to our self development and to about this time in the course….

​So today, in this blog, I want to chat about that often, uncomfortable space – when we reach that point where we change – our outlook, our ideas, travel beyond our comfort zone – altering our vibration.
 
We’ve spent years being comfortable and knowing ourselves and during the course, there comes a step over the threshold into the unknown – we often don’t realise we have crossed it – yoga can be sneaky – working away in the background without us realising what’s going on until we arrive at a point where ‘we no longer fit’. We can feel naked, exposed – old fears can arise – freeing themselves from the shadowy places to be looked at, acknowledged, thanked and released if they no longer serve – often they are there to keep us or our ancestors safe. This place of uncertainty can feel weird, bring over-reactions, questions from friends and family who don’t feel so comfortable around us as we change – our vibration feels out of kilter. This change is of course simply us becoming ‘more’ us – releasing layers – like peeling off really old comfy jumpers that don’t actually keep us very warm any more but we have a strong emotional attachment to them.
And this journey is cyclical - an ever deeper spiral to oneself.

​As an assistant tutor on this course, I find myself at a point where I’m back at this slightly uncomfy place – I can recognise it more easily now as I cycle round again - I begin to doubt my place in the support team, old ‘not enough’ monsters rear their head – I’m not good enough, I’m not the right person to be doing this; I find myself feeling slightly resentful at the time it takes and yet, I made this commitment, I set the intention – I know it is my path..but jings….here I am at the uncomfy place – again..
 
I feel emotional for no apparent reason – I’ve not been teaching yoga for that long compared to the other very experienced tutors on the course – most of whom were tutors on my course, or the tutors of the tutors from my course…I have to have a word with myself – I’ve been practising yoga since my teens, I’ve been a sports coach for over 25 years, I’ve mentored community and outdoor education students, I’ve organised more training events that I can remember, I have several tickets, been on lots of courses including level 3 coach, train the trainer, business support, coaching skills blah blah blah but of course – yoga is a sneaky thing – stepping over my comfort zone to support this course, deepening my own learning and practise, being seen – my heart feels vulnerable, I’m in that scary, shadowy place once more.  

I am of course learning heaps, deepening and refreshing my knowledge - gathering information that perhaps bi-passed me the first time round - including the link between the posture - natarajasana and waterfalls - that explains why I frequently feel drawn to working with that posture in these wonderful places. The Dru Scotland tutor team have made me feel extremely welcome - they are so supportive and it's truly wonderful to feel part of that community.

​This time of year is a time to pause – to go, as Persephone does – into the shadow-world, to be like a seed planted in the ground; to recharge our batteries, reflect, release and restore.

​As I stand and gaze at this evenings full moon - the last before the winter solstice, I reflect on my ever continuing cyclical yoga journey, I can begin to look back at the path travelled, the journey undertaken and realise how far I’ve come. I’m constantly learning, always changing, ever deepening – discarding the old, out of date, over worn, no longer warm layers of jumpers – acquiring new, appropriate (for now anyway) ones and snuggling down for the winter.

The journey….
I’ve been trying to work up to creating online content for ages - my friend Ros and I are running an online course around the chakras and I found I reached a real block when it came to making the videos. 

A year ago, I started filming at the beach thinking I would add voice over later - I set my standards really high - looking at others online and comparing myself - finding myself not good enough. 

Last November, I went back to my life coach, the wonderful Saskia; to focus on bringing abundance, flow and creativity back into my worklife. She encouraged me to keep a gratitude journal, to write about my not enough monsters and to make a vlog about why I was finding it so hard to film myself - you have to understand - I burst into tears when Laura first showed me my draft website 2 years ago - not because I didn’t like it - it was gorgeous - but because there were pictures of me on it and I couldn’t handle that. I managed the first 2 of Saskia’s tasks but never the 3rd - the vlog. I'm still writing the gratitude journal - it has powerful magic.

My 14 year old nephew has his own youtube channel and has no issues making content - I went to him for advice - he’s been great - making me laugh, pointing out that I hold my head to one side and I fiddle with my feet, but he’s always really supportive.

Finally lockdown arrived - the end of my live classes and workshops in the village hall for a while - to begin with I felt quite overwhelmed - we had a lot going on at the time - we were meant to be finishing our house renovation and moving. I took a couple of weeks to sit with the idea - everyone was heading online…. earlier this year I had been to some great training with Business Gateway Argyll & Bute about making online content, Dru Professional Network then ran an online workshop for their teachers thinking about taking their classes online. And finally, I attended a course with Om Line Training about making youtube content - a fabulous piece of advice from Lucy was to stop comparing ourselves to others, to just get on with it, start somewhere and stop worrying about it being perfect! Oh and some good friends volunteered to be on the end of Zoom while I tried out the tech, picked their brains and generally attempted to find some confidence.

Big girl brave pants.....

This week there were 15 people (eek) at each class and we experimented with exploring the sun sequence in a gentle way as it was the dark moon - supporting our inner flame to shine light on our shadow and use the dark moon to release stuff which no longer serves into the transformational fire before the new moon today - (preparing to potentially ease out of lockdown into a new world) - and all that....I even managed to find my big girl brave pants and chant the mantra at the end of the sequence for everyone.

I'm never very sure what newcomers make of me wittering on and chanting .... Anyway - the other day I received this feedback from one of the newcomers which made me cry and I want to share it.

I try and practice yoga and permaculture. Both I feel overlap completely. Permaculture has 3 main areas of focus and a list of ethics. Yoga has ancient philosophy and a list of ethics – called the yamas and niyamas (more on them another time ;).
 
Earthcare, fairshare and peoplecare are the 3 main principles of permaculture – practising people care is one of the reasons I became a yoga teacher. The way of learning in permaculture is to observe nature – she will teach / show us everything. ​

As a yoga teacher I have squillions of techniques in my toolbox to help alleviate stress and worry – sadly I don’t have a magic wand that changes my personality from a total stress head who seems to be addicted to that habit – and so it becomes my life journey – to learn how to stay on this path to the zen mountain, to learn to be gentle with myself when I wander off – as I do – I am very easily distracted. ​

Which is what this beach is about. It brings up so much for me…

It brings up  judgement and leads to feelings of total despair and why do I bother?
​
Although I haven’t been to a Craignish beach clean, I have participated and organised many litter picks in my life – as a voluntary field officer with Scottish Conservation Projects and then as Canal Development Officer in Maryhill, Glasgow in the 1990s - I have helped clean up canals, rivers, beaches and woodlands. It feels like all for nothing though when I see the state of this beach here, just round the corner from where I live at the moment.
 
I generally pick up litter when I’m out and I do spend a lot of time at the beach during the year and have a wee pact with myself to always pick up at least one piece of litter everytime as a thank you to the beach.
 
This year - with social distancing in place - our community beach clean is a bit different – no organised day, just a general, if you are out on your daily walk, please take a bin bag and collect what you can.

​With a bit more time on our hands at the moment we took ourselves for a walk the other day round part of the gorgeous place we live – here’s the view where I practiced some yoga. I was shocked at the litter though and vowed to return the next day with bags.

At this time of endings and beginnings
Of spaciousness in the darkness
With tiny glimpses of the light
I dream of a place

A place of sacred sanctuary
Filled with peace and joy

A warm hearth filled with love
A place to recharge and give thanks

A garden filled with abundance
An abundance of birth and death and life in between

A riot of colours
Spaces to sit and dream
To pause
To rest in stillness

Nourishing all
Those who spend time here
And those simply passing through

My home

It’s been a while since I wrote a blog post – I’ve been having a year of transitions. I wrote a blog a year ago about letting go of our house and other things in order to downsize. 
 
We’ve come a long way and are still navigating the journey. We handed over the keys to the new custodians of our old house last June, moved onto the boat, went to Germany and bought a motorhome, came home to Argyll and bought a small house which needs work, so we’ve been camping in the new house, travelling in the motorhome and learning how to sail with the cat on board. It sounds amazing – and it was – and I’ve learned a few things about myself…..

​It’s an interesting thing, this peeling of layers, this journey with myself. A peeling of layers of stuff, of emotions, of my past – a time of digging deep, of experimenting and perhaps learning to forgive myself for not being perfect, for not living up to my own expectations.

​​It’s now time though for me to own this dark queen aspect of myself – she takes no shit and she’s fed up with some of the baggage I like to hang on to – the old ways. 

​I have a fabulous life and the old ways are holding me back. Life is about exploring edges and I love this quote.

​I am actually quite shy – I know I may not appear this – I’m forthright, I’ve had jobs that involve me chairing meetings, presenting at conferences, running training and workshops but yes, I am actually quite shy, especially in groups. Having chosen to listen to the criticism I received as a child, I am scared of stepping up, of being seen, of getting it wrong, of hurting feelings, of breaking things, of being too loud, of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time, of being naïve and not tough enough. I also have an inner belief that it is not safe to be seen – this could be from the old adage – ‘children should be seen but not heard’ or perhaps it is an old pattern handed down the generations from ancestors from a time when it truly was not safe for them – I’ve been told that someone traced part of our family back to the Huguenots so perhaps being on the run was the only way to be safe; or perhaps it’s part of the collective we now call the witch wound – my husband reminds me that if I was born a couple of centuries ago I would have definitely been in line for a burning. Who knows? All I know is that this old way no longer serves me or others. I’m learning to show up – baby steps but I’m setting myself intentions and creating opportunities that allow me to do this.
 
I’m a bit of a people pleaser and a fixer. I want to say and do the right things and I want to help people when I can, even though me trying to fix things for others is not necessarily the best path for either them or me. I’m learning how to support without attempting to fix. I’m learning how to look after me first – I’ve been going to yoga classes for me, practising yoga just for me – mostly at the beach.
 
I’ve found teaching yoga quite terrifying at times – and still do. It’s like exposing a really personal side of myself – I don’t do that – and I’m learning to. Sharing spiritual stuff, hippy stuff, non tangible stuff – sharing this aspect is scary stuff to someone like me – I feel as though I will be judged for this even though I don’t actually care too much what others think – I guess the person judging is me – now where on earth did I learn to do that? That serves no-one, that path leads to shame and guilt. And while we’re at it, I recently realised that although I’ve thought I have fairly weak boundaries I actually have almost all or nothing boundaries. I can have walls up so high – trying not to show my imperfections – scared that if anyone looks too closely they’ll see I’m a fake, they’ll see I’m no good. 
 
How do I show vulnerability? How do I really be my authentic self if I’m in hiding? This is why I need new ways.

I often encourage folks to shine their light, to stand in their power and to accept themselves as the wonderful beings that they are. And I’m a fraud – I’m not actually sure how to do this for myself. One thing I’ve discovered over the last few years is that even though I may know something – I don’t actually accept or be that thing – it’s like the thought has to drop in to my heart.
 
I have such a fear of not being perfect, not being good enough and such an expectation that I’ll have done something wrong, that if someone asks to have a chat with me I immediately think I’m about to get a row or called out on something – it’s like I have a permanently guilty conscience. This is a habit that absolutely no longer serves – I call upon Kali to slice her sword through that. ​

But this means we can focus on our moho travels and windsurfing and my yoga, without the guilt of leaving a boat on a mooring or out on the hard without purpose or use.​

​We’re reminding each other constantly that the house will be ready when it’s ready – that we don’t have to knock our pans in, that it’s ok to accept help and it’s ok to still go travelling – we’re off to Cornwall tomorrow – back into the moho and leaving the cat to guard the stove at home. ​

Feeling inspired today to share some thoughts about my compulsion to play with drums. This post began as a journey around my connection to the beat of the drum and has meandered into a journey around my nature connection - which I guess makes sense as my spirit drum connects me to myself and I am a child of the elements..... in this blog I'm taking time to honour and share my gratitude to some of the people and organisations I have met along this path - people with whom I made connection and who have inspired me on my journey (please feel free to click the links as I shamelessly give them a plug).
​
I feel drums for me are linked to dance - I think that is where I first really connected - someone came to play djembe at rehearsals many years ago when I was in a dance company as a teenager and it connected with something deep inside. There's something about the beat, the rhythm that calls me to move or enjoy or have a go.
​
My personal relationship with drums began in the early 90's when I attended a celtic connections workshop for beginners bodhran. I loved the workshop and rushed straight out to order one. I took it to Canada (see pic) where we made music to dance to and I played it round the fire with friends.

I have always had a strong affinity with the outdoors and with nature. Whether this be through outdoor pursuits, growing food in my garden or deepening my connection to nature. Playing my bodhran was connected to this too as it was with canoeing and kayaking friends I joined round the fire. And indeed it still is, as the only time it comes out is on windsurfing trips. It seems to be connected to a water spirit aspect in my life.

Somehow I found myself on a Barefoot Breathing course - run by the wonderful Jackie of Flowerspirit and through this course the shamanic path opened to me - including journeying and travelling (it's a bit like meditation) on the sound of the drum.  Connecting with spirit through the repetitive drumbeat is powerful. The repetitive drumbeat enables the brain to drop into theta wave state - that of awakened dreaming and so you can travel or experience an awakened dream state - usually with an intention or question set beforehand.

On returning home, I wished for a more local community - people I could meet and share experiences with -  and of course the universe is a wonderful thing. A shamanic practitioner moved into the area and a local drum circle emerged (thanks Heather ;). Heather of Inner Earth Therapies runs drum circles in Oban and Lochgilphead as well as Way of the Raven and Medicine for the Earth shamanic training. Attending her drum circles is a great excuse to join others and experience live guided journeying - with of course - my personal spirit drum (more on that in a mo...).

During this time I also attended a sporadic, local, tribal drumming group which sadly didn't continue - I loved this but am 'feart I'm not motivated enough to continue without a group - I'm not up for setting one up either - if I indulge and purchase a djembe, is it just another aspect of my aspirational self? Another drum to gather dust along with my bodhran.

Anyway - one of the main points of these blethers is.... at Heather's local drum circle someone mentioned buying their own drum. I had a real hankering to make my own and had been introduced to a drum maker online through someone I met on my permaculture course (thanks Stephanie - and please note as an aside - it was the lovely Steph who designed my lovely logo :). We decided to ping the drum maker a message on the off chance she might want to take her drum birthing out on the road and come to Scotland. 

I believe my shamanic drums are the drums that have been seeking me - waiting for me while I tinkered about round the edges of the drumming world. They bring connection, friends and powerful messages.

I still have to have strong words with my aspirational self - she is drawn to hang drums, tongue drums, frame drums - her voice can be quite demanding at times - I gently remind her that although I could do all these things, I don't have to and am indeed, unlikely to. Let others play these and I can be free to listen and dance to their beautiful music.

If you feel called to birth your own spirit drum, my dear friend Ros is returning to Argyll in a few weeks. See below for more info and please contact her to book (she will run another on the Sunday if there is interest as places are filling).

When this chakra is in balance we are grounded, in control, and at ease with life. When it is out of balance we can become easily annoyed with people and situations, lash out at others, or materialistic. Excessive attachments may develop and lead to rigidity in our body and behaviour. We may be obsessed with money and possessions or our health, unable to allow change or to let go, and as a result we get stuck in the same routines, same old job, same old patterns and feel stuck. Physical problems including bladder issues, constipation, fatigue, anaemia and depression may occur.
 
Each chakra has a beautiful symbol with each part representing different aspects. With the muladhara the symbol has:

• 4 red petals and yellow square representing earth and the 4 directions
• a red downward triangle representing 3 nadis, creative energy and shakti
• an elephant with 7 trunks - strength, grounding our fundamental survival needs and related to Ganesha (hindu deity associated with removal of obstacles), guardian of this chakra. The 7 trunks represent the sapta dhatu – the 7 minerals that are vital for the body to function according to Ayurveda (ancient science of medicine). 
• a shiva linga (stone) and a snake – the stone represents the subtle body and the snake represents the limitless potential energy lying dormant in this chakra – kundalini. 

The sanskrit character is LAM and this is the seed sound for this chakra.

you choose...
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